A business mixer can be a wonderful opportunity to present oneself professionally and at the same time send messages of credibility, expertise, maturity, and self awareness.

On the other hand, it can be a disastrous time to step on people’s toes (literally and figuratively), reveal a streak of self-centeredness, and reveal we care more about technology than we do about people.

“Working a room” requires preparation, thoughtfulness, mindfulness, self-discipline, and an appreciation of some basic Do’s and Don’ts.

1. Business cards:  Consider a business card exchange to be the equivalent of handing someone a Polaroid snapshot of yourself–Are “you” up to date?  “Neatly” presented (or bent and soiled)? On the receiving end, at least pretend to look at the card, make a comment or ask a question.  Don’t just shove it into a pocket or purse.  If you do, your card will end up in the nearest trashcan.
2. Name-tags:  Wear it on your right side, so the eye can travel up the handshake arm, directly to your name and your eyes.  And always “present” your name–both first and last, slowly; never assume we will remember who you are unless you are the Queen of England.
3. Shaking hands:  Make it energetic and engaged but not bone-crunching.  Make it gender neutral.  Use the thumb web-to-web technique and eliminate jewelry which might distract from your confident energy or even cause pain.  Do not apologize for a cold hand or wet hand (be engaging, use eye contact….and carry powder and a handkerchief in your pocket for the latter…and no one will notice).
4. Logistics:

              **  Move out of the doorway; then scope out where you want to go and why.  If shy, choose the shyest looking person in the room to go to first.  You will make a friend forever.

             **  Carry your drink in your left hand, leaving your right hand dry and unencumbered for the firm, fully confident handshake you will be giving.

             **  Eat before you go.  You cannot juggle a wobbly plate of food, a wine glass and shake hands professionally.  Grazing can be an excuse for avoiding meeting as many people as possible.

            **  Plan and practice aloud your “presentation” of self, sometimes called the “elevator speech” (no more than 45 seconds in length).  It should be memorized yet flexible enough to be adapted to various “audiences,” and each time you say it, it must sound fresh, energetic, and sincere.

         **  Move to people you don’t know.  Don’t huddle with the people you do.  It is easy and comfortable to flock together, but working a room requires going outside those you know best and outside your comfort zone.  This is not a high school hallway; it a professional business zone.

5.  Technology Etiquette

         **  Don’t enter the room looking like Techno/Verizon Man.  Remove devices from your belt and ears.  Put your cell phone on vibrate unless you are waiting for a call about a heart transplant.  Do NOT even look to see who is calling, unless your wife is expected to go into labor momentarily, and if this is so, you should not be out “working a room.”

In the world of business, as in theatre, we are always “on.”  A business mixer truly puts us in the spotlight.  We are always being watched, even when we think we are not.  Just make sure yours is the business card they keep…..and call.

When I meet with various clients in my role as an executive coach, a frequent question asked of me is:  How does one have a difficult conversation with an employee about ________?  The fill-in-the-blank might be any number of issues, from inappropriate dress to rude and belligerent emails.

My most recent conversation was with the CEO of a medium-sized company who was being rubbed raw by a habit of one his recent hires. That habit which he found most annoying was the constant chewing of gum in the office–everywhere in the office:  his cubicle, the hallway, in meetings, in the elevator. 

 He described the machinations of the gum chewing in great detail, even describing the types of bubbles the employee occasionally blew, with the inevitable POP he knew was coming and his dread of that moment.

After listening, I asked a very simple question:  Have you told him how annoying you find this to be?  His answer was also very simple:  No. 

Obviously, my next question was:  Why not?

“Well, why should I have to tell him something that is so obvious?  Doesn’t everyone know you don’t chew gum on the job?! (Obviously not.)  Surely he will figure it out.  I give him dirty looks.  Why can’t he read the disapproval on my face?  I feel silly discussing this conduct with an adult.”

My response was this:  Is all this really a rationalization for not having a difficult conversation?  He sheepishly replied in the affirmative.

None of us likes to have difficult conversations, within our personal or professional domains, but if we do not, our anger builds and becomes corrosive; our resentment feeds upon itself and becomes the dominant emotion we feel around this person; our helplessness grows and makes us feel powerless and hopeless…even if the issue is chewing gum.

A book I have ordered for all the attendees of an upcoming company retreat I am conducting includes some principles and basic do’s and don’t’s that will help all of us stratagize, plan, and execute a difficult conversation, with both parties leaving the interaction feeling intact and hopeful.  The book is called “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time” by Susan Scott.

It is based upon her “Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations,” which include, for instance #1:  Master the courage to interrogate reality (”People change and forget to tell one another.”)  #4:  Tackle your toughest challenge today (”Burnout doesn’t occur because we’re solving problems; it occurs because we are solving the same problems over and over.  The problem named is the problem solved.”)  Or #6:  Take responsibility for your emotional wake (”For a leader, there is no trivial comment.”)

One of her major themes is:  The conversation IS the relationship.  Yet, most of us will lie to ourselves, to others; we will swallow our truths, fearing the outcome of truthfulness, imprisoning ourselves in deceit and passivity.

Scott gives basic tips on “Getting Started,” which most of think is the hardest part, and includes many actual examples and conversations which come from her own clients.  She urges the elimination of blame as a method of describing reality.  Other responses she asks us to avoid are sarcasm, exaggerating, saying “If I were you….,” and refusing to speak (which is not to be confused with the disciplined acceptance of the power and beauty of silence.)

This is a practical, short, readable book, simple without being superficial or simplistic.  The truths are obvious, but if they are so obvious, why can’t we have a simple conversation about how annoying gum chewing is in the workplace?

The term “Crackberry Addict,” now a pop culture term, was coined by Paul Levy, President of Boston’s Beth Israel Medical Center. He confesses to being a recovering “Crackberry Addict” himself. “I know the result of such over reliance —manners disappear, relationships disappear..….people have a craving to get back to it.” (The“it” can be a cell phone or an addiction to checking our text or email messages every 30 seconds.)

Last year Levy quit cold turkey, and he says he has discovered marvelous things: “The sun rises in the morning and sets at night.”

Technology addiction comes in many forms: video games, laptops, I pods, cell phones, IM’ing. We’ve all felt dismissed, frustrated, annoyed and certainly disengaged from the techno addicts surrounding us….or we may look in the mirror and see one blankly staring back at us.

The casualties of the digital age have resulted in the first of “Wii-itis”— intense physical pain from playing the Wii video game system for too long. Physicians are already familiar with “Nintendinitis.”

So what are the symptoms that reveal our shift from responsible, appropriate, and essential use of technology into a state of addiction, and is “addiction” too melodramatic a word to use?

Dr. Kim Young, the Clinical Psychologist who wrote the first book on Internet Addiction,believes there are indeed diagnosable signals: an intense preoccupation and inability to control (much less STOP) use of technology; use of technology as an escape, and, finally, putting technology use above personal relationships.

The other side of the debate asserts we are all addicted to the use of technology, in thesame way we are addicted to the use of cars. They are an essential means to an end.Our companies demand—and we as consumers expect—instant communication and accountability. Not a bad thing.

So it comes down to the choices we make in this area—between responsibility and habitual need and between instant gratification and long-term fulfillment.  In fact, Microsoft has teamed up with etiquette experts at The Finishing Academy to produce a guide to the correct situation, form, and manner of communicating with others in our fast-paced and competitive environment.

We are a connected business world, but many principles of common courtesy and relationship building remain the same, no matter the technology—from cell phone to Blackberry to emails.

Here are three suggestions I will make in order to enhance your Technology Presence:

1. Conscientiously—and consciously–work on your technology “presence.”   Some people’s emails are immediately dismissed because they know what’s coming: a silly joke, a tirade, an irrelevant copy of another email. Communicate strategically and well, no matter the medium. Leave a voice mail with “presence,” use the cell phone and Blackberry discretely and appropriately: turn away from your “screen addiction,” make eye contact, and communicate person to person.

2. Evaluate how people want to be contacted—such as, evaluating generational differences and communication preferences. Emailing or texting certain people will alienate, not communicate. Pick up the phone and talk! It may take longer, but the long-term benefits of relationship building—and showing respect– are inestimable.

3. Think as carefully about a high stakes technology communication as you would about a high stakes presentation or letter. Choose your content and format, know the receiver’s formality expectations and preferences, and edit as if your career depended on it. In fact, it may.

Technology is a given. It is an absolute necessity for our fast paced, competitive businesses and lives. But when it becomes a barrier to our inter-relationships, when bad manners become a habit, when we become addicted to instant and constant communication, we have squandered all of technology’s benefits.

Try going Cold Turkey over a weekend. Some companies have recently instituted “No Email Fridays”—forcing their employees to pick up the phone, walk down the hallway, take someone to lunch. If this very concept causes your heart to palpitate and you just broke out in a full-body sweat, it may be time to re-evaluate your addiction to technology.

A recent AP wire story described a phenomenon called “ringxiety” or fauxcellarm” which occurs when Blackberry and cell phone addicts report feeling vibrations when there are none or feeling the sensation of wearing a cell phone when they are not. “If your hipbone is connected to your Blackberry or your thighbone is connected to your cell phone, the phantom vibrations you are feeling may be coming from your head bone.”

Jake Ward, former press secretary of Sen. Olympia Snowe, “claims to ‘pre-feel’ a new message or call. I’ll feel it, look at it. It’s not vibrating. Then it starts vibrating. I am at one with my Blackberry.”

Some of us are “at one” with our cell phone or our “Ding. You’ve got mail” signal…..perhaps the word “addict” is not too strong?

1. Don’t mistakenly press “Reply to all”—This action could be very embarrassing to you and to “all.”

4. For high-stakes emails, print out the email, and read aloud to catch any tonal “errors.”

5. Get rid of cute fonts and stationery—remember “presence”

6.  If there are 3 emails or text messages (email, response, response to the  response) pick up the phone or use your feet to walk over to the next cubicle.

7. Use “urgent” with great discretion—have your “urgent” be respected.

8. When sending attachments, give the recipient the highlights of the attachment (s).

9. When texting a high-stakes message, indicate you will send a more comprehensive (less abrupt) message by email within the day or that you will call to discuss in more detail.

10. Acknowledge and accept that you may have grown lazy in your choice of  communication techniques and /or you may have become addicted….and that you will make changes.