In my last posting, I discussed the importance of listening for the “under story” as we coach people to transformation–what emotions are driving the obvious “outer story.”  Once we pinpoint the “under story” (which may be known to the person or it may have to be “coached out”), we can move to the final phase:  Listening for patterns, “connecting the dots,” as the trite phrase goes, or discovering the pattern of tapestry.

This may seem obvious, but it takes a great deal of energy on the part of the person finding the patterns among scattered bits of story, asides, nonverbal “tells,” sarcastic comments.  People do not tell their “story” in a linear fashion.  If they are being openly expressive, bits and pieces of who they are as it relates to their difficulty come out in starts and spurts.

So the coach must listen and watch intently and intensely.  It is an unknown tapestry until the threads of the tapestry–color, form, design, texture–are captured and slowly put into place.  Insightful questioning, pursuing seemingly unimportant aspects of their “story,” delving deeper into the “Why” of the comment all must be used to pattern of the tapestry.

In my final posting on Coaching to Transformation, I will discuss why the word “Why” may be the most important word in bringing some final understanding to the problem, difficulty, obstruction people want to get past.  Barriers can fall when the question “Why” is used appropriately and judiciously and wisely. 

In my last posting on coaching, I discussed relating the coaching energy to Cesar Milan’s (The Dog Whisperer) belief that change can occur only when “calm, assertive energy” is present.  The same is true for coaching people in a direct, focused manner.

Another principle is listening for people’s “under story”–the driving emotion that carries that person’s narrative about the conflict, disruption, anger that brought them into your space in the first place.

It can obviously be fear, insecurity, anxiety, frustration, confusion, bitterness.  The list of emotions is endless.  They may not even understand the emotion underlying the action or conversation that was inappropriate or destructive.

As we listen to their “story,’ listening with our eyes AND our ears and heart, we can discern, if we are astute listeners, the underlying emotion which provoked the action, email, or conversation.

Only then can we begin to address the actions and understanding that will bring them to an understanding of the context, consequences, and feelings that they must address in order to transform themselves to be what they want to be.

And if they don’t want to be different–This is the way I am.  Let others deal with it!–then we cannot force change.  Forcing people to go to AA does no good.

The final posting on Coaching will be on “listening for patterns,” listening for the threads that pull all the story, feelings, and decisions together to a cohesive pattern of understanding.

In the last posting, I discussed two of the principles I adhere to when coaching people as they move on their journey to change:  1.  Making no assumptions and   2.  Listening with one’s eyes, heart, gut, and ears.

Today, I will discuss a third component, drawn from Cesar Milan’s concept of “leader of the pack” dog/people training:  maintaining a certain kind of energy while in the presence of the person I am coaching–what he calls “calm, assertive energy.”  This involves monitoring posture (relaxed yet energized), tone of voice (neutral without being disengaged), eye contact (intense but not intimidating), and facial expression (interested without protraying unnecessary reactions or excessive expressiveness.)

Some people can maintain a “calm, assertive energy”  instintively; for others it is a learnable skill.  For others, particularly for those with very high energy levels, it is almost impossible to achieve.  But it is a worthy goal, whether working with people……OR dogs…..cats are another matter.

Next time, I will discuss the ability to “find the story beneath the story,” one of the most important coaching skills we can acquire.

Recently, a business associate emailed me a question:  How do you do what you do?  He was referring to that part of my business called “coaching,” a generic phrase encompassing many aspects of improving communication, leadership, and presentation of self.

This question was harder to answer than I thought because I do so much of it intuitively.  But it was good to be asked the question and force myself to consciously think through the principles guiding my ability to coach people to self realization and self transformation.

What follows is Part I of my answer to him.  The answer seemed both so obvious and so complex.  Here are some of my intuitive abilities translated into conscious principles.

• Make no assumptions.  Well, DUH!  But some of the biggest “duhs” in life are the hardest to abide by.  Usually managers will send me a summary of what needs to be “fixed.”  It would be easy to assume the manager is correct in her/his assumptions; after all, they are the manager.

But these perceptions (and they are, after all, perceptions, even though they are managers) must be held in the back of my mind, not the front.  I think of them as background, context, parts of the entire puzzle which I must then piece together by discovering all the parts.

The manager’s perceptions may prove to be entirely correct, mostly accurate, slanted, or misguided.  People’s roles in the company do affect my perception (yes, I have perceptions, too) of other people’s views of what people have wrong or right about them, but they are not the guiding force behind my interaction.

• Armed with perceptions, feedback, and facts from others, now I must listen with my ears, eyes, intuition, heart, and gut to find the patterns in the conversation which will help me find the most reliable, accurate picture of the puzzle.  What words, phrases, references are used often enough to form a pattern creating a point of view (military language?  nurturing language? passive vs. active use of verbs? reference to parents’ expectations?–(even middle aged people still carry around those parental “voices” in their heads/psyches)–indirect language?, defensive language and posture?  listening skills?

Coaching is more than a skill; it is an art, perhaps an innate one.  It is what Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer, calls the ability to ”surrender.” A really good coach surrenders to the person across from her without remaining disengaged or becoming ego centric.

Part II, which will address the “calm, assertive energy” (again, Cesar Milan) needed to create an atmosphere wherein change can occur will be next in my Executive Coaching blog entry.

As a voracious viewer of National Geographic’s Friday night television program, “The Dog Whisperer” with Cesar Milan, and a leadership seminar consultant, one who loves making Connections from incongruous sources, I am always struck by the similarities of “becoming the pack leader” and the “art of leadership.”

Cesar Milan tackles dog problems which are the worst of the worst, from “red zone” dogs (read “steroid” aggression) to dogs who “own their owners,” to cowering dogs fearful of the slightest noise or movement.

What is fascinating about the show is something all his fans know:  Cesar usually works more with the owners than he does with their dogs.  The owners have not reached that “calm, submissive state” wherein they become the “leader of the pack.”  Dogs, like many people, will instinctively fill a leadership void, even though they are a 5 pound Chihuahua.

Connection Number 1:  Power has nothing to do with size, gender, or age.  It has to do “owning” one’s space, using non-verbals of confidence and ease, and demanding respect in a respectful way.

Cesar often trains people to use their non-verbals–their “presence”–to command respect.  Dogs, like people, sense and can take advantage of fear, anxiety, or helplessness.  Dogs know passive/submissive dogs instantly, and they know the same about their owners.

So Cesar will teach the owner how to pull their shoulders back yet remain relaxed, walk with the chest up and out, keep their eyes straight ahead and hold the leash with a slight touch, not with nervous tension.

Connection Number 2:  There are times when we have to bluff confidence through managing our non-verbals:  eye contact, posture, vocal tone.  When I teach presentation skills, I teach the cultural non-verbals of credibility and authority this culture values so highly and then translate these into specific non-verbals to exhibit in front of an audience.

Cesar works with attitude by teaching owners to “be in the moment,” just like their animals are.  Do not expect the dog to exhibit the same destructive behavior that has been a part of the past.  This is the first hour of change; do not look back; look past the fear that change cannot occur.  Do not “What if” your way into expecting old behaviors.  Keep trying until the dog “surrenders” to the new expectations.  Take charge of the process.

Connection Number 3:  When tackling a new leadership role at work or attempting to overcome the fear of public speaking, focus on the first step of change, let go of old negative expectations, accept the discomfort of change, acknowledge it is the first step, and do not look back.  As a client once said to me: ”Fear of public speaking is nothing but an old habit.  I’m tired of that habit.  I am going to break it….starting now.  That was then.  Now is now.” 

He is now a fully confident, polished, comfortable leader and presenter.  But first he had to change his expectations and diligently practice his new habits.

I am surprised Cesar Milan has not been approached by a publishing company to write a leadership book–for people–using the same principles he uses in training dogs and their owners.  When I find a client who watches the show consistently, as I do, it is so easy to translate the leadership techniques into ones that are useful in the work place.

You can learn something from this show even if you are not a pet owner.  Leadership is leadership and being a “pack leader” who leads without exhibiting anger, defensiveness, or passivity is powerful in both personal and professional worlds.

So whether you are an anxious five pound Chihuahua or a red zone Chow, you can learn some life changing techniques simply by tuning in each Friday night for an hour of “The Dog Whisperer.”