“Fierce Conversations”: How to Hold and Make Them Work
When I meet with various clients in my role as an executive coach, a frequent question asked of me is: How does one have a difficult conversation with an employee about ________? The fill-in-the-blank might be any number of issues, from inappropriate dress to rude and belligerent emails.
My most recent conversation was with the CEO of a medium-sized company who was being rubbed raw by a habit of one his recent hires. That habit which he found most annoying was the constant chewing of gum in the office–everywhere in the office: his cubicle, the hallway, in meetings, in the elevator.
He described the machinations of the gum chewing in great detail, even describing the types of bubbles the employee occasionally blew, with the inevitable POP he knew was coming and his dread of that moment.
After listening, I asked a very simple question: Have you told him how annoying you find this to be? His answer was also very simple: No.
Obviously, my next question was: Why not?
“Well, why should I have to tell him something that is so obvious? Doesn’t everyone know you don’t chew gum on the job?! (Obviously not.) Surely he will figure it out. I give him dirty looks. Why can’t he read the disapproval on my face? I feel silly discussing this conduct with an adult.”
My response was this: Is all this really a rationalization for not having a difficult conversation? He sheepishly replied in the affirmative.
None of us likes to have difficult conversations, within our personal or professional domains, but if we do not, our anger builds and becomes corrosive; our resentment feeds upon itself and becomes the dominant emotion we feel around this person; our helplessness grows and makes us feel powerless and hopeless…even if the issue is chewing gum.
A book I have ordered for all the attendees of an upcoming company retreat I am conducting includes some principles and basic do’s and don’t’s that will help all of us stratagize, plan, and execute a difficult conversation, with both parties leaving the interaction feeling intact and hopeful. The book is called “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time” by Susan Scott.
It is based upon her “Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations,” which include, for instance #1: Master the courage to interrogate reality (”People change and forget to tell one another.”) #4: Tackle your toughest challenge today (”Burnout doesn’t occur because we’re solving problems; it occurs because we are solving the same problems over and over. The problem named is the problem solved.”) Or #6: Take responsibility for your emotional wake (”For a leader, there is no trivial comment.”)
One of her major themes is: The conversation IS the relationship. Yet, most of us will lie to ourselves, to others; we will swallow our truths, fearing the outcome of truthfulness, imprisoning ourselves in deceit and passivity.
Scott gives basic tips on “Getting Started,” which most of think is the hardest part, and includes many actual examples and conversations which come from her own clients. She urges the elimination of blame as a method of describing reality. Other responses she asks us to avoid are sarcasm, exaggerating, saying “If I were you….,” and refusing to speak (which is not to be confused with the disciplined acceptance of the power and beauty of silence.)
This is a practical, short, readable book, simple without being superficial or simplistic. The truths are obvious, but if they are so obvious, why can’t we have a simple conversation about how annoying gum chewing is in the workplace?
